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Thursday, 28 May 2020 17:11

Pee's out! Why Fore left Denver

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Denver. Yes, we all know that the Denver Demons just started a new era. Greg Fore is gone, the team went on to rebuild, for the first time ever Denver went all in on the draft and today an avalanche of eight free agent hirings brought in another stream of fresh blood.

And still.

Greg Fore ist now officially an Anaheim Archer.

How the hell did this happen?

GM Klaus von Meyerinck spoke up today on a press conference with yours truely Chuck Tankman exclusively and here's the word protocoll of what went on there.


Chuck Tankman entering KvM's office. In a corner a stack of approximately 100 fishmacs, smelling breathtakingly awful of old rotten fish, bad mayonaise and urine. Yes, urine!

CT: Hello Mr. von Meyerinck, thanks for having me on this exclusive interview. With your permission I would right away like to talk about the shocki... What the hell is this smell? It smells like.... urine?

KvM: Damn right, Chuckster. See that? 105 fishmacs, an entire weeks delivery to my office. All messed up. All smelling of fuckin urine!

CT: I'd like to talk about Greg Fore, but this smell is disgusting and I do not see how those fishmacs are of any... what the hell? They look somewhat soaking wet and sort of yellow..ish. Jeez. Can't you have those removed? Or at least open a window?

KvM (suddenly showing signs of high bloodpressure and a maniacal outbreak in the making): You can't see the connection? Cant' you? No one can. Cause all of you are idiots. You know where those come from? From the McDonalds in our arena, right here, two floors under my office. (Pointing to the floor and shouting with a snapping voice) You devils down there. But I got you. I fired your sorry ass, Mr. George Fore. And I fired your motherfucking stupid idiot of a son. That's what you get when you mess with my fishmacs. (Turning to the disgusing stack of fishmacs, now calm and with an almost tender voice): Oh my poor little babys. What have those two criminals done to you? But I chased them away. They are not going to hurt you anymore. And once you are dried, we will have a nice meal, all of you and me.

CT: Uhm, I don't follow...

KvM: Of course you don't. No one gets me. Listen up, Prankman. Some months ago that player whose name I am not mentioning anymore, that lousy overpayed and underweight son of a bitch who wasn't able to bring me a cup of tea and much less a cup of Heikkinen, well, that idiot came up here and went down on his knees.

CT: Figuratively, I suppose.

KvM: No, numnuts. Literally. I thought, wow, that useless idiot is finally paying off the 20 million salary and giving me a blowjob, but instead it was like when he played on that court. He bored me to death. He started to complain about his idiot of a father, that George Fore asshole, and how he was useless and was only crashing his newest Lamborghini and drinking and beating up his mother and, well, you know the stuff. You know how it is when you have to deal with a fat useless maniac.

CT: Don't I.

KvM: What? Whatever, I fell for that charade. I'm getting old, or maybe I wasn't thinking clear, I just had 6 fishmacs that day and Sabrina, that new italian BBW dominatrix which I hired as personal assistant had just whipped my...

CT: Please!

KvM: That's what I said, hahaha. Anyhow, I said, okay, Fore, you slimy dwarf who will never bring us the Heikkinen, I will not only continue to pay you 20 million even you sucked last year and my grandmother in her wheelchair is faster than you, I will do something for your idiot of a father as well. Just promise me you never will extend your contract. So I said send me over that useless alcoholic who was foolish enough to knock up your worthless mother and...

CT: That is how you talked to Greg Fore?

KvM: What? No. I'm sugarcoating here, you dushbag. Anyhow, his father came over the next day. Man was he fat and uggly, hehe. What a loser. Hadn't hit a shower or a babe in years, hahaha, but driving up with a Ferrari. Anyhow, his idiotic son went on begging about how his dad needed structure and a job and... anyhow, long story short, you know my big heart.

CT: For his sister, I thought.

KvM: Oh, she started a diet two years, five month and three days ago. I dumped her two years, five months, two days and 23 hours ago. Whatever. Who cares. Sabrina out there does things to you that little prude couldn't even imagine. Like right before you came in, we...

CT: Ok, Greg Fore's father got a job down there at the arena McDonald.

KvM: Yep. I went like, well, your son is useless to me, what about you? I mean look at our last season. 20 wins and that sucker did nothing to... ah, just forget him. So I told his dad who know is as dead to me as his son: Listen, nimrod, you get the most important task in this building. And that isn't to shove more money up your useless sons' ass but making my daily ration of 15 fishmacs. You may have heard, I'm eating more pasta these days, so I slowed down on the fishmacs to just 15 per day. Be that as it may: One that doesn't taste right: you're fired. One with too little sauce: fired. Too hot, too cold: fired.

CT: And he kept that job for a week?

KvM: Hell yeah, he was the best fishmac maker this entire company, which I'd rather run instead of those stinking Demons, ever had. Fantastic. I thought I'm in heaven. Hell, I even thought about giving his idiot of a sun a new minimum contract should his father keep up that excellent work. They were so tasty. So yummie.

(Voice again totally snapping) That mofo told me, he had added a secret special ingridient!

CT: He what? I mean, you ate fishmacs for an entire week that Greg Fore's father had...

KvM: Yes, I know. And I loved them. At the time.

CT: And therefore, before you knew what that secret ingridient was, you would have what? Given Greg Fore a new minimum contract? From what planet in space are you?

KvM. Hehe, I know,, it would have been a mistake, the guy sucks and is finshed. Everyone knows except that GM who traded for him, I just forgot the name. But you know, I'm a nice guy. You know my big soft... ha, not that. Heart!

CT: Don't I. But then you found out?!

KvM: At draft day of all sacred days in the world! Can you imagine? Draft day! I was busy as usual, Sabrina and I were bangi... banking on our united expierence and player scouting and then that George Fucking Forehead came into my office with an entire weeks extra of 105 fishmacs, saying the sweetest things like, hey, big Boss man, draft night is the hardest night ever, you get it, hardest night, haha, Sabrina and me, uahahahaha, and here's some 100 extra filets he said, I know you have a huge taste for that and the stress of draft night and so on...

CT: Well, usually you would have immediately hired him as a player instead of his son and sent Greg to the grill.

KvM: You know me, Chuck! Haha! That's what I said, that's what I wanted to do. Switch jobs with those Fores. Play Geroge, send Greg to the kitchen. I told him right away. I pulled out a contract from this desk. And you know what? He made a face, mumbled something like Greg would have been right about me, and then something I did not quite understand, like it would have been a great idea to lend an ear to the ear and that the ear had the best idea or something stupid like that. And then the ungrateful bitch left without accepting my bracious offer.

CT: How could he?!

KvM: See? Right! That ungrateful bastard. But it got worth. Oh, what a night. There's 105 fishmacs on my desk and while I'm still counting... me eating 30 because it's draft night, Sabrina eating 10, so we have like 60 to rub our bodys in the sauce and then put them on the floor as a bed in which we can well you know what...

I am going like this will be a fun filled evenning and no one should dare to disturb me, so I'm ordering our scouts to call the pick that night in while simultaneous I'm like Sabrina will be ordering me to call the dick... oh man, draft night is my favorite!  And then all of a sudden as I unwrap the first fishmac I'm thinking George is the best but that smell... What is it? I know that smell but.... And just as I'm about to take a hearty bite...

CT: You smell that he... that George and maybe even Greg Fore were uri.. you wanna say Greg Fore's father ur... all week long? And on those 100 too? That is unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable.

KvM: Is'nt it? Such monsters. I would not have believed it but right that moment when I just was about to bite into... well, the door crashed open and our best player came in, no, he stormed in, lightning fast and outraged and concerned about my life, my health, my well being, and he shouted like Hey, boss, stop, don't do it. Those Fore bastards both have...

CT: I don't follow. I understand you are accusing Greg and George Fore to have... well say they tampered with your fishmacs for a week, hehehe, and that night too. But why should Greg then storm  into your office to prevent you from eating those peed on fishmacs when you think he was the one to do it in the first place?

KvM: What? Are you nuts? I said our best player stormed in. Thank god he's known in the league as lightning fast, so Henry Barrick stormed in and...

CT: Henry Barrick? You gotta be kidding me.

KvM: Shut up. He's a god sent. He is fast, he is our best player and he is loyal to the GM.

CT: Oh the hell he is. That's why the guys in the locker room don't talk anymore when he is in the room. They call him The Ear.

(suddenly whispering to himself) Oh boy... I'm getting whose behind this. That bastard framed the Fores.

KvM: Bullshit. I call him the Ear, no one else. And I do because he is the only guy listening to my basketball expertise and genius down in that locker room full of idiots. Cause he is smart. He told me that Greg and George had peed on all the fishmacs all week long. To poison me. Henry said he had seen it with his own ears. Nonsense. Eyes. He even suggested I should take action and punish that animal Fore.

CT: And you did?

KvM: Like he needed to remind me. You know me. I took immediate and swift action! Right that second I decided in my wisdom and might that me, the god of revenge, would trade Greg Fore right away on draft night and that I would trade him to the biggest hellhole in all of OBWL. Unfortunately Marco Heinrich didn't answer the phone.

CT: So?

KvM: I tried some other GM's with a bad reputation. That Tom Lacher guy must have changed his cell secretly. And Jay Amado they told me was out chasing a skirt, so they are awaiting his return for the 2048 pre season the earliest. So I went down the list of hellholes to number 4 and that was that Eric Steel character.

CT: Stelle.

KvM: Estelle Steel? I thought his name was Eric. Who cares. Estelle Steel was dumb enough to take that fucking Fore loser and his entire rotten family. For free! I would have handed him the entire team on top. Well, not Henry. But all the other stinking losers. But he didn't even ask for it and he did hand me a draft pick. Best deal ever. I'm a true genius. Very stable too.

CT: What did the Fore guys say? I mean, come on, we all know, Greg is a superb human being, even more so than the superb player he is. You can not seriously believe that his father and him are capable of...

KvM: Ah, shut up, Chucky. Enough already. I know what I know. Yeah, of course big bitch and little bitch, sister and father, went on like buhuhu, we didn't do it, and Greg the spinless worm joined them with we never would have, buhuu, class act, and haven't I become a superstar here and boohoo. Spare me, bitches. Have fun in Disneyland. I know what I know and what new king in town Hemry Barrick has told me.

CT: ...

KvM: What? Speechless, baby?

CT: Well, no. Or maybe sort of. You are listening to Henry Barrick whose reputation as a human being and teammate in your locker room is as bad as he is a player and...

KvM (shouting): Lyer! He is the leader of the team.

CT (laughing): Since when?

KvM: Since now.

CT (outraged and shouting): He's your spy in the locker room, your eyes and ears, every other player knows that and you would too if you would give a shit about what is going on in your team and who is the rat in that locker room and who was repsected as the class act he is on and off the floor and now let me tell you that whoever you drafted or hired in free agency or will hire or will trade for, no one will ever be able to replace Greg Fore and...

KvM (longing for a several of those horribly smelling fishmacs and starting to throw them at Tankman): Shut up. This interview is finished. Get out! You are finished!

CT (covering behind the door on his way out, shouting): You disgrace, you motherfu... you know nothing about this team and basketball and you are runining everything for us fans! How the hell could trade that man? Ever!?!

(avoiding another thrown fishmac) Name me one guy you drafted for Fore! Just one! Who was your pick at 3? I know you have no idea! You bastard!

KvM (shouting while throwing more and more fishmacs at his office door behind which Tankman has reached the safe floor where like 20 employes are standing, some amused, most ashamed by their GM): You want to test me? The name of that rookie we picked at 3?

CT: You have no idea, haven't you?

KvM (throwing more fishmacs): Whom we drafted at 3?

(Hesitating. Then whispering to the room behind his office: Sabrina! Sabrina, did we draft at 3? How the hell did that happen? Who? Who? Homeless Shell? A guy from a shelter? Bell? What the hell. Bogart Hell?

(Shouting again towards Tankman): There you go, Tankman. Like I wouldn' know. We drafted Bogart Hell. A pointguard. Same position Fore had. See?! Problem solved. And now get the fuck out of the building

(Turning to yet another room shouting): Barrick! Barrick!! Get in here at once and take out those fishmacs! And get me some pasta from Francesco! And move a little faster!



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