Tuesday, 05 November 2019 17:19

Next year? Do or die in Denver

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By Chuck Tankman

 

Denver. And then there are those noises. Moaning, crying, sighing and moaning again. Coming out of Denver Demons GM Klaus von Meyerinck's office. And then there's that ever lasting smell. Pizza. Pasta. Rotten seafood. Filet o fish smell. Burgers which are smelling like they have been laying in a dumpster for weeks. And then there's that new dominatrix who KvM has flown in from Italy. Huge. Big breasted. Arrogant. Stares like iron. Dressed in leather. Named Luisa de Domenici. Frightening. Beautiful. Deadly. Scary. And then there's the interview KvM granted after the regular season ended in total disarray with the Demons not making the playoffs and ending a lost season on a devastatingly bad note. Read for yourself.

Chuck Tankman: Klaus, you...

KvM: Shut up, little bitch. And show me some respect. It's Mr. von Meyerinck for you. And I want you to include the "von". It's a sign of dignity. Of old prussian aristocracy, something you stupid historyless americans don't know a thing about. A sign of decency, royalty, of dignity and excellent behaviour, of sacrifice for the greater good and centurys of incest. Hey, you, over there, yeah, you, bimbohead, bring me something to eat. Hurry up. Chop chop mama san, I wanna eat!

Mr. von Meyerinck then, let's talk about basketball. The last season...

Who the hell cares? I give a shit about that f*****g sports and this f*****g town. I would be long gone if it wasn't for free...

Weed?

Hell no, free food at my special food joint at De Wenking! I am getting a life long supply of dutch food there, something very tasty. Kroket, bitterbal und frikandel met patat! Best you get. Here, that asian sub here is just serving. Come on, mama san, Chucky hee wants a deluxe platter!

Well, I'd rather not... it's so smelly and looks like...

Eat!

Ok... it's... hmmm... what the hell is that grey meatsauce that is dripping on my recording device here? There's certainly no beef in it...

Eat, sissy! Or Luisa will make you her little toy. Hers and her assortment of huge dildos' which...

Please! Could you please stop threatening me?! Sexually, by food and in anyother way and this food is the hell disgusting.

Oh come on, Chuckster! It's beef, hehe, at least something like it. Brain maybe, colon, who gives a shit. This is the nutrition plan I have personally developed for our team a month ago. They are on a 12.000 calory intake per day. Eating healthy fries with mayonaise, curry ketchup and onions, those meat croquettes and of course those fried bami stuff which my asian slave... sorry, employee here is buying at De Wenk... I mean buying on the farmers market. Just fresh and tasty, hehe.

Mr. von Meyerinck, please! Let's tak about basketball. It's no wonder the Demons have been losing for weeks when they had to eat tons of that shitty food.

Luisa, punish him!

(Luisa de Domenici, wearing leather clothes and longing for a huge huge you know what since the word starts with stra... and ends on an "n") is walking towards Chuck Tankman, her eyes somewhat feverish, her grin somewhat sadistic)

Please no! Can't we just agree that the Demons were doing great under your smart leadership...

Genius leadership!

...genius leadership and then somewhat inexplanably started to look a bit, well, let me put it politely, monstrously overweighed and therefore started to lose games...

Who gives a flying f***?

Well, one could argue that you broke up your rebuilding effort rather soon, maybe, just maybe too soon and brought in veterans like Dong Richardson and Ervin Glaser to force the playoffs which in itself might have been genius but maybe not quite that genius with regard to the future and now that you failed and are out of picks we have to face another year of...

Me??? Failing?

Ahm, the team of course. The team failed.

Yes, they did. Listen, you skinny reporter bitch!

Yes?

Rebuilding is for sissys! Look at those ever rebuilding and ever drafting stinking lousy franchise idiotic moron GM reigned teams that never accomplish anything. Knights. Tritons. Pioneers. Thunderdomes.

...birds

Birds? Have you seen that movie? Overrated, I prefer North by Northwest. I once watched it on a flight and hey, Chuckster, you sexually insecure being, did I ever tell you how I molested that busty stewardess on Northwest Airlines flight 51 from...

No, but please stay on the topic of basketball for once! You yourself just admitted you broke up whatever attempt to rebuild you undertook. Let me tell you how I see the team.

I'm bored alreay. Hey, My Ling, another pound of Bitterballen! Come on, mama san, move it!

You racist son of... Ok, back to OBWL. You hired two vets on the decline in Richardson and Glaser. You waisted away all of the young talent, you maxed out your cap already for next year, you do not have a single draft pick for the upcoming event, our Demons do not have a starting SG and definetely no starting C while riding and old guy like Edward Newhouse to death and I think that...

Newhouse? Is he playing for us? Is he dead? No one told me. Never mind, in case he's not he will be once Luisa is using her huge dil...

Please! The Demons do not have picks, no youth, only three starters and a roster that despite of Greg Fore's best efforts has failed utterly and did not make the playoffs. We lost 8 out of 10 games ever since the team came close to finish 8th in the division and you and your horrendous fat and smelling and cheap dutch fast food crap are responsible for...

Chucky, my man! You are so right. Come on, eat some fried Bami Goreng. All natural health food! You hit it, babe! Those suckers waisted their one chance for glory. I did all I could, I hired great young guys...

Like who?  Great?? They all sucked. Instead you had a revolving door of worn out veterans over those last weeks. You brought in tons of old players and fired them after a game or two. You hired a has been like Larry Burt and brought him back despite his decline. But you fired a guy like Richard Venegas who has been one of the very few capable reboun...

Richard who?

Venegas.

Never heard, baby!

The tall Center who...

Who gives a shit? He's probably just another loser. Listen up, Chucky, my old killer puppet.

Uhm... yes?

It's not important who you hire. I give a damn whether we play guys like Richard Tomtom or...

Tomlin.

Who? Shut up and let me enlighten you and those millions of idiots out there in front of their TV sets. That trash mass you call fans. Dick Tomtom or Charles Pisseros or that whining girly Carole Lurk are just a disgrace for the almighty Demons and I will...

He's a guy and his name is Carroll Lerch and he...

Whi cares what he is?! He will be a little crybaby and a girly sissy once Luisa is finished with him. And I don't care what his name is!! Names are for tombstones, baby! Said who to whom in which 70s movie?

Uhm...

You are not exactly big on movies, hm? Or in your pants, hahaha! Let me tell you: There will never be a bond betweens us, Chucky. Never mind, don't crym bitch. What I want to say is this: it's not important who is on your roster, it's important how you treat those stupid losers and...

Right! Couldn't agree more. Therefore you should start to treat your players like they deserve. As human beings and young very talented individuals who need guidance and...

And I will, Chuckysissy! Here's my plan for the next year.

I'm listening!

Move to Seattle! Haha. Got it? Who cares? Here's the plan: Greg Fore, Dong Dong and that geriatric idiot Irving Laser at PG will be the nucleus of the championship team we will build. We meaning Luisa and I. We will add some stupid dunking center machine and some other idiot to start and some trash for the bench who will kill evry opponent just because I will feed them one hot dutch meal per week. And with that bunch of morons I will prove to the world that you can win the Harakirinen cup even with minumum payment dumpster fires of players. And how, you ask, my friend? Ask!!

How?

An excellent question, Chucky, your first smart question ever. It's all in the pre season and training camp.

Since you are grabbing that army helmet over there: Vietnam, I'm guessing?

Oh how clever you are. My friend, those guys will fly to mama san's homeland, I have prepared a nice little training camp in the Hanoi Hilton and those guys will learn basketball from ground on in the Iron Triangle in the Mekong delta and I swear to you, I will lead them to eternal glory right through the jungle which is basketball. And they will either die in my newly developed training camp or see light at the end of their tunnel.

Oh jeez...

Yeah, right. You will of course come along and report the truth, baby! No more fake news. And let me tell you this: If those idiots disgracing the Demons' jersey think they will play with spaldings over there, baby, they will be in for some surprise. They will handle hand grenades instead. And so I will turn sissys into men! And if it isn't me it will be Luisa over here, the mistress of pain. And I will stand on my watchtower with my M16 and if they don't do the 40 yard minefield dash under 3 seconds they....

(sweat dripping of KvM's humongously huge forehead, his eyes flickering, his hands grabbing into air instead of another strangely smelling dutch meatball)

Thanks for the talk, Mr. von Meyerinck. I am sure Denver is in for... well. Whatever.

Yeah, whatever, babe! It all means nothing. Now get lost. I gotta eat and work on my minefield design for training camp. Hit the three or juggle with three hand grenades after a miss. Oh, I like that. We will build a championship team over there. A mean lean fighting machine. And I surely will have some fun with my mama san. You're dismissed, Chucky.

 

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